i saw a blog post today by a woman who's told me she's "obsessed with me" and "obsessed with 'my' work." it was a photography post and as i read, i felt like the object of a saturday night live parody. except that i don't think it was intended that way. which led me to thinking, "am i really that silly?"
yes.
"i praise you, o Lord, for i am fearfully and wonderfully made."
i am overweight. i get angry easily. i am filled with self-doubt and arrogance and judgmentalism and fear and critical thoughts and often hate myself for not being the woman i know God wants me to be.
"your works are wonderful! i know that full well."
i have wave after wave of awe at creation and the One who created it. i gush at the beauty of subjects before my lens and i am astounded at the privelege of capturing love in its purest sense.
"your works are wonderful."
i rarely stop long enough to soak in the raw natural beauty of nature, but when i do, i am speechless.
i shout inwardly in anger at my God who is my Papa and whom i want to rescue me from my wickedness. who has. and whose rescue i know not how to accept.
"i praise you, o Lord, for i am fearfully and wonderfully made."
i fail. i fail. i fail again at loving. at respecting. at disciplining this broken flesh.
i wonder, what would happen if i let it all hang out? the fat? the fear? the anguish at being so weak, so small, so helpless?
"i praise you, o Lord."
can i? can i praise Him? in the midst of so much inadequacy?
i know, i know... shield yourself from the public. people are watching. they see what you share and you become vulnerable.
what would have happened if Paul had internet? if he blogged? would his self-recognition of inadequacy have undermined the truths he spoke so passionately?
i am artist. i am mother. i am wife. i am so little and so very muchafraid... what if i tell the world?
4 comments:
I love you! You're awesome! You inspire me to be a better me. And I wish we lived closer so that I could tell you that in person! ;)
Great way of summing up what we were discussing today! I was soo touched to read about your baby bereavement session too. Wow! What a legacy to share with that family...that's truly ministry, girlfriend!
Our talk today and a few weeks ago reminds me of what a precious person you truly are. You're a gift to the world and so is your talent.
Thank you so much for helping me with the camera. I found the manual and I'm gonna figure it out....so help me!
Ryan's invitations are awesome and I can't wait to hang her photos in our home.
I truly miss your friendship. Thanks for the ear and relating. And...about what we discussed. Follow your Father's voice and don't worry about the "waves" it causes. It's truly our only choice...it's why he makes us the way we are. I've learned I have a choice few people who understand my inner motivations. No one else matters anyway. And even if no one understood them, my Father does and He's the only true one I care about pleasing. (Well, I like for Jimmy to be happy with me from time to time...haha!)
Love ya, Friend!
YES !!!! you can PRAISE him! :) God is really amazing ! HE's work is perfect. we are all perfect in his EYES ! and even though we doesn't think the same about ourselves he still LOVES US UNCONDITIONALLY ! you are so blessed for having such a life and a Family like that ! Continue thanking the Lord for his Blessings in your life even in times that you feel that your not perfect .. we are same :) I'm really not so Good in the eyes of others.As a Man were not Perfect But God knows who we really are. God Bless you :)
I believe if you tell the world humbly the brokenness of your flesh...your complete imperfections...your desire to be more pleasing to your Papa...and your acknowledgment that he loves you so very much in spite of, or perhaps for, these intimate moments and feelings that perhaps the world (or at least I) will love you, respect you,and encourage you more! For only those who have the unconditional love of the father are truly capable without judgment, fear or criticism to offer that unconditional love to others in return!!!!
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