Tuesday, May 17, 2011


i saw a blog post today by a woman who's told me she's "obsessed with me" and "obsessed with 'my' work."  it was a photography post and as i read, i felt like the object of a saturday night live parody.  except that i don't think it was intended that way.  which led me to thinking, "am i really that silly?"


"i praise you, o Lord, for i am fearfully and wonderfully made."

i am overweight.  i get angry easily.  i am filled with self-doubt and arrogance and judgmentalism and fear and critical thoughts and often hate myself for not being the woman i know God wants me to be.

"your works are wonderful!  i know that full well."

i have wave after wave of awe at creation and the One who created it.  i gush at the beauty of subjects before my lens and i am astounded at the privelege of capturing love in its purest sense.

"your works are wonderful."

i rarely stop long enough to soak in the raw natural beauty of nature, but when i do, i am speechless.

i shout inwardly in anger at my God who is my Papa and whom i want to rescue me from my wickedness.  who has.  and whose rescue i know not how to accept.

"i praise you, o Lord, for i am fearfully and wonderfully made."

i fail.  i fail.  i fail again at loving.  at respecting.  at disciplining this broken flesh.

i wonder, what would happen if i let it all hang out?  the fat?  the fear?  the anguish at being so weak, so small, so helpless?

"i praise you, o Lord."

can i?  can i praise Him?  in the midst of so much inadequacy?

i know, i know... shield yourself from the public.  people are watching.  they see what you share and you become vulnerable.

what would have happened if Paul had internet?  if he blogged?  would his self-recognition of inadequacy have undermined the truths he spoke so passionately?

i am artist.  i am mother.  i am wife.  i am so little and so very muchafraid...  what if i tell the world?